| I Repent |
| words and music by derek webb |
i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream i repent, i repent of parading my liberty bridge i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity |
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Repentance
Some of the best sermons I've ever heard have come from the music of Derek Webb. One of his songs, "I Repent," has a great message which definitely gets me thinking every time I hear it. (You can listen to the song here)
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Ash Wednesday
The Ash Wednesday services I attended while growing up were basically all before I became a Christian. The meaning was lost on me. Since leaving home for college and then setting out on my own after college, I haven’t attended an Ash Wednesday service in nearly 15 years. Most years, the day just becomes another date on the calendar. One day closer to the end of the month. For some reason, this year feels a little bit different. I’ve remembered what the day is. And I’m making an effort at pondering the meaning and significance of the day.
Other than marking the onset of the Lenten season, Ash Wednesday is also a day of repentance. Repentance is definitely an area I need to improve on. In my prayers, it’s so easy to just rattle off a quick list of sins that are in the forefront of my mind and then move on to the things I want God to do for me and call it good. I can’t remember the last time I actually focused on repentance. Not just asking forgiveness, but really, truly repenting of my sins. Remembering them, asking the Holy Spirit to help me remember my sins, and letting my heart be broken over the ways that I have grieved my Father. When was the last time I let repentance allow my heart to be changed—recognizing the seriousness of my sin and pledging to turn away from it, with the help of the Spirit? Sorry to say I can’t remember.
I think the issue of sin has been totally glossed over in society and in our churches. Sin is the big, ugly elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. But for our churches and for each individual to become more Christ-like, we need to acknowledge it, bring it out in the light, and get cleaned up.
I hope that I can spend time today in repentance. I also hope that it doesn’t become a once a year type of thing. To truly follow hard after Christ requires that it become a more regular habit.
Other than marking the onset of the Lenten season, Ash Wednesday is also a day of repentance. Repentance is definitely an area I need to improve on. In my prayers, it’s so easy to just rattle off a quick list of sins that are in the forefront of my mind and then move on to the things I want God to do for me and call it good. I can’t remember the last time I actually focused on repentance. Not just asking forgiveness, but really, truly repenting of my sins. Remembering them, asking the Holy Spirit to help me remember my sins, and letting my heart be broken over the ways that I have grieved my Father. When was the last time I let repentance allow my heart to be changed—recognizing the seriousness of my sin and pledging to turn away from it, with the help of the Spirit? Sorry to say I can’t remember.
I think the issue of sin has been totally glossed over in society and in our churches. Sin is the big, ugly elephant in the room that no one wants to acknowledge. It’s not fun. It’s not easy. But for our churches and for each individual to become more Christ-like, we need to acknowledge it, bring it out in the light, and get cleaned up.
I hope that I can spend time today in repentance. I also hope that it doesn’t become a once a year type of thing. To truly follow hard after Christ requires that it become a more regular habit.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
War Wounds
Part of learning how to walk is falling down sometimes. Boy, did Brennan ever learn this lesson the hard way yesterday morning! He is such a busy little guy these days, walking all over the place. He decided to try walking down the one step that separates our kitchen with our living room. Not having done this before, he didn't know what to expect, so it was face first into the wall--resulting in the injury you see below. He was comforted rather quickly and doesn't seem to mind the scrapes and the fat lip that are slowly healing.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Getting Ready for Spring!
To celebrate the great weather this past week, we've gone a few trips to the park. When we tried on Brennan's hat from last summer (size 12m-24m), it was too small! So, it was off to Babies R Us to find a new hat for him. Given that it's still February, the selection was pretty slim, but we found a good one with a good message: "Plant a Tree. Think Green." He's an environmentalist at a very young age!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Baby Dedication
This past Sunday, there were some infant baptisms at church. That got me thinking that we never posted a picture of Brennan's dedication. We had our little munchkin dedicated on Sunday, February 24, 2008, at our church in Orlando, Southeast Christian Church. It was a special time for us to stand before our church family and publicly dedicate Brennan to the Lord. The outfit he wore that day was the outfit that my brother wore when he was baptized as a baby many years ago. Our pastor presented us with a small New Testament with Brennan's name engraved on the front cover. We sure do look forward to reading him stories out of his Bible and introducing him to the Lord! It is our deepest desire that he and any future children we may have will come to know the Lord at an early age. It'll be exciting to watch his faith journey as he grows older!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Retreat Weekend
This past weekend, I went on a women's retreat with our church. 125 women descended upon Williamsburg for a weekend of rest, learning, and all things girly. We've only been a part of Hope for a few months and our wacky schedules don't really allow for us to get out there, meet people and get involved. I really enjoyed the opportunity to get to meet a number of other women from all walks and seasons of life, although the introvert in me began craving some solitude by about lunchtime on Saturday--only halfway through the retreat!
The hardest part of the weekend was being away from Brennan. It was my first weekend away from him, and I really tried hard not to worry and wonder if Daddy was going to remember everything I told him before I left. They did fine, and Brennan even got his first kid's meal ever at Wendy's when they were out over lunchtime. It was pretty special to come back home, and my boy just kept hugging me. Awww...
As for the teaching, I really appreciated the over-arching theme of rest. Now, as a mother of a toddler, rest really only comes when he is sleeping (or with Daddy). Rest used to be such a natural part of life. I had my classes or full-time job, but then I had distinct hours of freedom where I could do homework, clean, or just plain rest and relax. I still have some freedom during my days, but it is much more limited. While I still take time out to rest, that rest usually consists of an occasional nap, reading (devouring) my latest book, or (more recently) playing the Wii. It's rare these days for my times of rest to include time spent with God. When it happens, it's difficult for those quiet times to extend longer than maybe 20 minutes.
The easy answer is that life happened, distractions happened--many things have interfered to keep this girl off her knees and occupied with other things. It didn't used to be like this. In college, I had an entire year that I set apart Sundays for a Sabbath rest. No studying, more time spent in the Word, more time spent fellowshiping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. These days, I'm not so sure that setting apart an entire day for a Sabbath is realistic. Maybe I need to start small...set aside an hour or two a week for some quiet time to hang out with Jesus and reflect on life with Him. On a good day, Brennan will nap for 2 or 2 1/2 hours, which will give me plenty of time for such an activity.
While the spirit may be willing, the flesh is certainly weak! Distractions abound, and I must find a way to tame those impulses to spend time doing everything but having time with Jesus. As I ponder what it means to rest and what Sabbath rest looks like at this stage of my life, I need to remember that we have been created as human beings, not human doings. It's all part of the fun of figuring out how to incorporate life as it used to be with life as it is now.
The hardest part of the weekend was being away from Brennan. It was my first weekend away from him, and I really tried hard not to worry and wonder if Daddy was going to remember everything I told him before I left. They did fine, and Brennan even got his first kid's meal ever at Wendy's when they were out over lunchtime. It was pretty special to come back home, and my boy just kept hugging me. Awww...
As for the teaching, I really appreciated the over-arching theme of rest. Now, as a mother of a toddler, rest really only comes when he is sleeping (or with Daddy). Rest used to be such a natural part of life. I had my classes or full-time job, but then I had distinct hours of freedom where I could do homework, clean, or just plain rest and relax. I still have some freedom during my days, but it is much more limited. While I still take time out to rest, that rest usually consists of an occasional nap, reading (devouring) my latest book, or (more recently) playing the Wii. It's rare these days for my times of rest to include time spent with God. When it happens, it's difficult for those quiet times to extend longer than maybe 20 minutes.
The easy answer is that life happened, distractions happened--many things have interfered to keep this girl off her knees and occupied with other things. It didn't used to be like this. In college, I had an entire year that I set apart Sundays for a Sabbath rest. No studying, more time spent in the Word, more time spent fellowshiping with my brothers and sisters in Christ. These days, I'm not so sure that setting apart an entire day for a Sabbath is realistic. Maybe I need to start small...set aside an hour or two a week for some quiet time to hang out with Jesus and reflect on life with Him. On a good day, Brennan will nap for 2 or 2 1/2 hours, which will give me plenty of time for such an activity.
While the spirit may be willing, the flesh is certainly weak! Distractions abound, and I must find a way to tame those impulses to spend time doing everything but having time with Jesus. As I ponder what it means to rest and what Sabbath rest looks like at this stage of my life, I need to remember that we have been created as human beings, not human doings. It's all part of the fun of figuring out how to incorporate life as it used to be with life as it is now.
Monday, February 02, 2009
3-D Baby
We were given two pairs of 3-D glasses for a couple of commercials during the Super Bowl. Brennan discovered them today and has had a ton of fun dragging them around the house. He looks pretty snazzy in them, too!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
One Mother's Desperate Quest for Sleep
So, this post is a request for some advice and help from people who are currently going through a similar situation or who have been there. Brennan used to do so well with sleeping through the night, but for the past month (maybe longer) he's been up once or twice a night, sitting up in bed and yelling. Now, this wouldn't be such a big deal but it's been every night. I realize that there is a selfish aspect to this--I want to sleep through the night again. I wish I could say that I'm willing to put aside this desire in order to address Brennan's need/want, but when it's the middle of the night it's really difficult to think about how I can best comfort Brennan when all I want to do is have one night of uninterrupted sleep.
We've tried just about everything to get him to sleep through the night again. The bedtime routine has been kept the same. We have a nightlight, a fan going to provide some white noise, and curtains to block out outside light. I've given him big suppers and tried warm baths before bed. I've given him teething tablets, Tylenol, and Motrin (not at the same time, like some kind of weird infant drug cocktail). I've taken away the crib toy which seems to excite him rather than soothe him, and he has two stuffed animals in bed with him. He naps great during the day, which the experts all say should lead to better nighttime sleep. When he yells at night, we give him a few minutes, go in without speaking, lay him back down, cover him up, and leave. He's then fine after that little bit of comforting. The past two or three nights, we tried letting him just sit and yell, but that failed miserably. The yelling turned to crying and then became hysterical screaming.
I'm just not sure what to try any more. Part of me thinks he's just going through a phase which will eventually pass. The other part of me thinks that he's gotten into a bad habit which we need to break using whatever means possible. If anyone has any advice, words of wisdom from voices of experience, or just words of encouragement to get through this rough patch, I'd love to hear them!
We've tried just about everything to get him to sleep through the night again. The bedtime routine has been kept the same. We have a nightlight, a fan going to provide some white noise, and curtains to block out outside light. I've given him big suppers and tried warm baths before bed. I've given him teething tablets, Tylenol, and Motrin (not at the same time, like some kind of weird infant drug cocktail). I've taken away the crib toy which seems to excite him rather than soothe him, and he has two stuffed animals in bed with him. He naps great during the day, which the experts all say should lead to better nighttime sleep. When he yells at night, we give him a few minutes, go in without speaking, lay him back down, cover him up, and leave. He's then fine after that little bit of comforting. The past two or three nights, we tried letting him just sit and yell, but that failed miserably. The yelling turned to crying and then became hysterical screaming.
I'm just not sure what to try any more. Part of me thinks he's just going through a phase which will eventually pass. The other part of me thinks that he's gotten into a bad habit which we need to break using whatever means possible. If anyone has any advice, words of wisdom from voices of experience, or just words of encouragement to get through this rough patch, I'd love to hear them!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Shout out...
...to all the wonderful people who have stood beside me, supported me from behind or led me to new heights.
It struck me tonight, as I re-read my last entry, that while there've been Christ-followers who've really hurt me, there are many more who've really blessed me, and who've shown me the face of Jesus in so many ways. (And God forbid that any of them think I was writing about them when lamenting those that have wounded me).
So please allow me to say a few words of thanks to God and to men. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but these are some of the people who've been great blessings to me:
Mom and Dad: I believe that the trajectory of a life is set early on and I couldn't have asked for better guiding hands during those early years. So much of who I am, I owe to you ... so much of what I like about myself, is there because you put it there and made it grow.
Emily Frierson: You led me to Christ under a tree next to the Deanery. Where would I be without you, Emily, wherever you may be? (I haven't seen or heard from her in about 12 years).
Bart Irwin: I think you're the reason that I'm a Christ-follower and not just a church-attender. The two years you spent with me set the course for the rest of my life ... you took me beyond being a "convert" into being a "disciple".
Dan Bredbenner and Kevin Hass: faithful friends for nearly 15 years now. Nobody not related to me has been as devoted to me as you two. No matter how far apart we've been physically, or how infrequently we talk on the phone, I know you've always got my back. And that's such a great feeling.
Brent Vallee, Liz Hass, Kate Bredbenner, Wendy Vallee: Because of the two guys above, I got to meet all of you, and I'm so much richer for it! My friends have such great taste in friends (and wives) and I relish being the recipient of so much fruit from these relationships.
Andy and Brenda Burgess: I have only one set of natural parents, but I've had several spiritual parents ... and you guys are definitely that. You have been in every role -- you have led, supported and walked beside. You have sheltered me -- in every sense of the word -- and helped me to grow up in the Lord. You have shown me unbelievable generosity and unconditional love.
Chris Frank: You have been my fellow pilgrim, my companion in many a trial, tribulation and rollicking good time! I feel like I've enjoyed every minute I've ever spent with you and experienced the fullness of a joyful life so often in your company. Life just seems to be more fun when you're around. (We have got to find a way to hang out again)! (Oh, and you also married a gem ... Anne, my time with you has also always been enriching and, well ... Louisville Billy Club).
James Kim: You are my Paul; I am your Timothy. I thank God that I knew what I had when I had it -- and that I never took for granted the wonderful mentorship you offered to me. You walked me through the post-field haze and confusion, brought clarity, unlocked talent, coached through weakness, offered opportunity and helped me discover and realize my potential. You've led me better than anyone else I've ever met -- and pretty much everything I know about leadership I learned from you (and Jesus of course).
Naomi: You know me better than anyone else on this planet, and yet you're still here. So you've shown me the meaning of commitment, courage and faith. You steady me and keep me grounded. You've brought a stability to my life that has freed me up to grow in areas that had been too-long neglected as a single man. You see in me things I don't see in myself and challenge me to live an open and honest life before God and others. You've shown me love and helped me know how to love. You've given me an amazing son ... a flesh and blood representation of all that's good about US. You are here ... ever-present ... never failing -- and in this I see the face of God.
Thank God for all of you. Thank you for who you are to me! I am richly blessed to know you and be known by you.
It struck me tonight, as I re-read my last entry, that while there've been Christ-followers who've really hurt me, there are many more who've really blessed me, and who've shown me the face of Jesus in so many ways. (And God forbid that any of them think I was writing about them when lamenting those that have wounded me).
So please allow me to say a few words of thanks to God and to men. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but these are some of the people who've been great blessings to me:
Mom and Dad: I believe that the trajectory of a life is set early on and I couldn't have asked for better guiding hands during those early years. So much of who I am, I owe to you ... so much of what I like about myself, is there because you put it there and made it grow.
Emily Frierson: You led me to Christ under a tree next to the Deanery. Where would I be without you, Emily, wherever you may be? (I haven't seen or heard from her in about 12 years).
Bart Irwin: I think you're the reason that I'm a Christ-follower and not just a church-attender. The two years you spent with me set the course for the rest of my life ... you took me beyond being a "convert" into being a "disciple".
Dan Bredbenner and Kevin Hass: faithful friends for nearly 15 years now. Nobody not related to me has been as devoted to me as you two. No matter how far apart we've been physically, or how infrequently we talk on the phone, I know you've always got my back. And that's such a great feeling.
Brent Vallee, Liz Hass, Kate Bredbenner, Wendy Vallee: Because of the two guys above, I got to meet all of you, and I'm so much richer for it! My friends have such great taste in friends (and wives) and I relish being the recipient of so much fruit from these relationships.
Andy and Brenda Burgess: I have only one set of natural parents, but I've had several spiritual parents ... and you guys are definitely that. You have been in every role -- you have led, supported and walked beside. You have sheltered me -- in every sense of the word -- and helped me to grow up in the Lord. You have shown me unbelievable generosity and unconditional love.
Chris Frank: You have been my fellow pilgrim, my companion in many a trial, tribulation and rollicking good time! I feel like I've enjoyed every minute I've ever spent with you and experienced the fullness of a joyful life so often in your company. Life just seems to be more fun when you're around. (We have got to find a way to hang out again)! (Oh, and you also married a gem ... Anne, my time with you has also always been enriching and, well ... Louisville Billy Club).
James Kim: You are my Paul; I am your Timothy. I thank God that I knew what I had when I had it -- and that I never took for granted the wonderful mentorship you offered to me. You walked me through the post-field haze and confusion, brought clarity, unlocked talent, coached through weakness, offered opportunity and helped me discover and realize my potential. You've led me better than anyone else I've ever met -- and pretty much everything I know about leadership I learned from you (and Jesus of course).
Naomi: You know me better than anyone else on this planet, and yet you're still here. So you've shown me the meaning of commitment, courage and faith. You steady me and keep me grounded. You've brought a stability to my life that has freed me up to grow in areas that had been too-long neglected as a single man. You see in me things I don't see in myself and challenge me to live an open and honest life before God and others. You've shown me love and helped me know how to love. You've given me an amazing son ... a flesh and blood representation of all that's good about US. You are here ... ever-present ... never failing -- and in this I see the face of God.
Thank God for all of you. Thank you for who you are to me! I am richly blessed to know you and be known by you.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Where I'm At
This post has been a long time in coming. These days, for whatever reason, I tend to come up with ideas for posts, but never actually write anything down. Tonight's a bit different though. I jetted from work early (on time, actually, but that is early if you know what I mean) because I just had to get out of there. I'm in a really desperate place tonight and feel like I can't contain what I'm feeling. So it's going to come out here.
This desperation has been building for many months now, but the combination of another frustrating Eagles loss in an NFC championship game, the crashing of my Outlook (and potential loss of recent emails, all my contacts and calendar entries), a nearly missed credit card payment and a totally demoralizing meeting at work have pushed me over the proverbial edge. Or, to be more precise, have finally gotten me engaging God in discussions/protestations/accusations/interrogations. And this is a healthy change from the self-imposed estrangement that's been par for the course in recent months.
Why the estrangement in the first place though? I am wrestling with questions much harder than any I've faced before. Wondering how I wound up here. Wondering why I'm not in missions anymore. I have had moments of regret about my missions career. Now that I'm on a different path I feel ... behind. Behind by about 10 years. In other words, ten years behind where I "should" be. But not only ten years behind ... behind in the bank account, behind on savings, behind in the size of my house and the newness of my cars. I know it's just my culture talking, but ... I have had a hard time not listening to that lately.
I wonder what use God has for me now, since so much of my life has been lived with the aim of being useful to God. I know that this too is a lie (both that I need to be useful and that I currently am not), but I have had a hard time not believing it lately.
I've been listening to a song lately that captures pretty well what I'm feeling, and also what I need most to remember. It's called "Times" and it's by Tenth Avenue North (click the link to listen to the song). Here are the lyrics:
I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Can you look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?
But I hear You say:
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?
The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you're healing
And when your hearts breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there in your heart-ache
I'm there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends
I feel like there's so much that I could be saying in this song, even though I didn't write it. The line that stands out most to me is "The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal." That's exactly where I am right now -- hungry, and tempted to steal. I am hungry, starving even, and looking for that which will nourish. I know God has it -- and only He has it. But I'm tempted to steal anyway. God would freely give, but my pride and anger and shame prevents me from asking. I would rather steal something right now, even if what I could steal is moldy and maggot-filled and what God would give is fresh, fragrant and filling.
The "fallen from grace" line applies as well. I have not, of course; I am only not a (vocational) missionary anymore. But it feels so much like having fallen though. I know that'll be tough to understand for many of you who might read this, and you will want to remind me that I still am a missionary in my community and at work and all that. I get that -- I really do -- but it's not the same. Maybe it should be, but it's not. Being a vocational missionary is not the same thing as being salt and light in the world. In substance there's not much that's different, but there are some significant implications that are different, all sorts of ways in which the vocation complicates things. I heard it said once that when your faith is what brings your income, you'll always be in danger of losing one or the other. I thought that was very cynical at the time, but I understand the truth of that better now than I did then.
But I digress... back to the main point...
I sit in church these days and wonder why I'm there. I like my church. I like the singing. I think the people are nice. But it's not at all relational and I rarely learn anything new. I sing, I listen to a lesson, I say hi to a few people, I collect Brennan from the nursery, I go home. On my way home I usually wonder what else there is. Is this what it's like to follow God now? What happened to my zeal? What happened to the way I used to pursue Him? What changed since my college days and the early days of my missionary venture?
I'm beginning to answer those questions. I think the key is this: over the last few years I have been deeply wounded by some of God's people -- people who truly followed after God; people who knew Him and wanted to honor Him. People who, for all their good intentions, hurt me deeply. Some of those people were co-laborers, some were leaders, some were friends, some barely even knew me. Each hurtful action shook an individual relationship, but, as a whole, they rocked my trust in God. Can this God be trusted, when people who claim Him do such things?
I must conclude this: for me to know God, I cannot rely on those who claim to know Him. For me to know God, I cannot simply show up for an hour of church a week. For me to know God, I do not need to be employed by Him. He can be found in those places, but He can't be fully known in these things. I have to go back to the drawing board. I have to deconstruct my Christianity.
I only have a few ideas about where to go from here ... to the Word, for sure. He can be found there. To my knees. He is always found in humility. But I want to try a few new things too -- I want to look for God in my son's smile. I want to learn to see how God feels about me in the way my son loves me, and how I love him back. I want to find God amongst the cubicals in my office, in the midst of a contentious performance review with one of his lost sheep. I want to find God in the kitchen as I joyfully prepare meals for my wife and son. I want to find God under the covers as I drift off to sleep after another exhausting day of being everybody else's John. I want to find God in life as I know it now. It's not the same life it used to be. I'm through trying to decide if this life is good, bad, better or worse. It just is. And God's in it, somewhere.
This desperation has been building for many months now, but the combination of another frustrating Eagles loss in an NFC championship game, the crashing of my Outlook (and potential loss of recent emails, all my contacts and calendar entries), a nearly missed credit card payment and a totally demoralizing meeting at work have pushed me over the proverbial edge. Or, to be more precise, have finally gotten me engaging God in discussions/protestations/accusations/interrogations. And this is a healthy change from the self-imposed estrangement that's been par for the course in recent months.
Why the estrangement in the first place though? I am wrestling with questions much harder than any I've faced before. Wondering how I wound up here. Wondering why I'm not in missions anymore. I have had moments of regret about my missions career. Now that I'm on a different path I feel ... behind. Behind by about 10 years. In other words, ten years behind where I "should" be. But not only ten years behind ... behind in the bank account, behind on savings, behind in the size of my house and the newness of my cars. I know it's just my culture talking, but ... I have had a hard time not listening to that lately.
I wonder what use God has for me now, since so much of my life has been lived with the aim of being useful to God. I know that this too is a lie (both that I need to be useful and that I currently am not), but I have had a hard time not believing it lately.
I've been listening to a song lately that captures pretty well what I'm feeling, and also what I need most to remember. It's called "Times" and it's by Tenth Avenue North (click the link to listen to the song). Here are the lyrics:
I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Can you look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?
But I hear You say:
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?
The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you're healing
And when your hearts breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there in your heart-ache
I'm there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends
I feel like there's so much that I could be saying in this song, even though I didn't write it. The line that stands out most to me is "The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal." That's exactly where I am right now -- hungry, and tempted to steal. I am hungry, starving even, and looking for that which will nourish. I know God has it -- and only He has it. But I'm tempted to steal anyway. God would freely give, but my pride and anger and shame prevents me from asking. I would rather steal something right now, even if what I could steal is moldy and maggot-filled and what God would give is fresh, fragrant and filling.
The "fallen from grace" line applies as well. I have not, of course; I am only not a (vocational) missionary anymore. But it feels so much like having fallen though. I know that'll be tough to understand for many of you who might read this, and you will want to remind me that I still am a missionary in my community and at work and all that. I get that -- I really do -- but it's not the same. Maybe it should be, but it's not. Being a vocational missionary is not the same thing as being salt and light in the world. In substance there's not much that's different, but there are some significant implications that are different, all sorts of ways in which the vocation complicates things. I heard it said once that when your faith is what brings your income, you'll always be in danger of losing one or the other. I thought that was very cynical at the time, but I understand the truth of that better now than I did then.
But I digress... back to the main point...
I sit in church these days and wonder why I'm there. I like my church. I like the singing. I think the people are nice. But it's not at all relational and I rarely learn anything new. I sing, I listen to a lesson, I say hi to a few people, I collect Brennan from the nursery, I go home. On my way home I usually wonder what else there is. Is this what it's like to follow God now? What happened to my zeal? What happened to the way I used to pursue Him? What changed since my college days and the early days of my missionary venture?
I'm beginning to answer those questions. I think the key is this: over the last few years I have been deeply wounded by some of God's people -- people who truly followed after God; people who knew Him and wanted to honor Him. People who, for all their good intentions, hurt me deeply. Some of those people were co-laborers, some were leaders, some were friends, some barely even knew me. Each hurtful action shook an individual relationship, but, as a whole, they rocked my trust in God. Can this God be trusted, when people who claim Him do such things?
I must conclude this: for me to know God, I cannot rely on those who claim to know Him. For me to know God, I cannot simply show up for an hour of church a week. For me to know God, I do not need to be employed by Him. He can be found in those places, but He can't be fully known in these things. I have to go back to the drawing board. I have to deconstruct my Christianity.
I only have a few ideas about where to go from here ... to the Word, for sure. He can be found there. To my knees. He is always found in humility. But I want to try a few new things too -- I want to look for God in my son's smile. I want to learn to see how God feels about me in the way my son loves me, and how I love him back. I want to find God amongst the cubicals in my office, in the midst of a contentious performance review with one of his lost sheep. I want to find God in the kitchen as I joyfully prepare meals for my wife and son. I want to find God under the covers as I drift off to sleep after another exhausting day of being everybody else's John. I want to find God in life as I know it now. It's not the same life it used to be. I'm through trying to decide if this life is good, bad, better or worse. It just is. And God's in it, somewhere.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sneaky Mama
Now that Brennan is becoming a more independent eater and not really keen on eating any sort of pureed vegetable that still remains in the freezer, it's a little more tricky for me to find foods that he's going to like and that are easy for him eat on his own (at age one, he only has two teeth on the bottom that are fully in and is starting to get four teeth on top). Thanks to Parents Magazine, I tried a new recipe last night that sneaked in some yummy zucchini--Mini Vegetable Cakes. Brennan liked them so much that he ate three of them. Even John and I liked them! These will be a repeat recipe for sure. I'm even thinking ahead to what other vegetables I can grate and put in there.
Mini Vegetable Cakes
1. Combine half an 8 1/2 oz. package corn muffin mix with 1 egg white and 3 tablespoons water.
2. Stir in 3/4 cup shredded zucchini (the actual recipe also adds 1/2 cup chopped canned beets, but we didn't try that).
3. Drop batter by the tablespoon in 2 tablespoons hot canola oil.
4. Cook 2 minutes; turn and cook 1 to 2 minutes more, until browned.
Mini Vegetable Cakes
1. Combine half an 8 1/2 oz. package corn muffin mix with 1 egg white and 3 tablespoons water.
2. Stir in 3/4 cup shredded zucchini (the actual recipe also adds 1/2 cup chopped canned beets, but we didn't try that).
3. Drop batter by the tablespoon in 2 tablespoons hot canola oil.
4. Cook 2 minutes; turn and cook 1 to 2 minutes more, until browned.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Random Trip Pics
This post concludes one of many from our trip up to Minnesota. We had a blast, and I hope you enjoy looking through the photos and videos!
Brennan with Uncle Nathan
Cousins!
Grandma with the grandkids
Grandpa with the grandkids
Looking all cute with his Christmas sucker
My dad really wanted this photo of him and Brennan in their flannel shirts
Brennan with his Great-Grandpa Ganun
Brennan with Uncle Nathan
Cousins!
Grandma with the grandkids
Grandpa with the grandkids
Looking all cute with his Christmas sucker
My dad really wanted this photo of him and Brennan in their flannel shirts
Brennan with his Great-Grandpa GanunSaturday, January 03, 2009
One Year Photos
We did Brennan's one-year photos while up in Minnesota (thanks ProEx!), and he did fantastic. These are a few of our favorites of our little man about to enter toddlerhood.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Walking Boy
The night before our trip, Brennan took his first steps. While we were up in Minnesota, he really made some progress! On Christmas Day, he discovered a small shopping cart at my brother's house which he used to push around while walking. Three days later (and one day after he turned one), he managed to walk more than just a few steps on his own! We were thrilled and managed to get it all on camera. Now that we're practicing walking more, I'm not sure I'm ready for a boy with these abilities!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy Birthday to Brennan!
Saturday, December 27th, marked one year of life for Brennan! We celebrated his first birthday in conjunction with the Ganun family Christmas (my mom's side of the family). There were 38 people there for the Christmas celebration, which also meant that there were 38 people at Brennan's first birthday party! He did amazingly well with the cake, eating the entire piece that we gave him!
He sure had fun with the cake!
The aftermath.
Table for 38, please!
He sure had fun with the cake!
The aftermath.The Ganun family Christmas was a huge affair this year, as evidenced by the enormous table pictured below. Yes, all of us managed to sit around the table for one huge family meal. It had been a long time since I had participated in one of these shindigs, so it was pretty special to get to celebrate the Christmas season with my grandparents, parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all the little ones that have been added to the family over the past few years. It was wild, crazy, chaotic, and overall wonderful. It was pretty special for us to have Brennan around so many of his relatives--all of whom doted on him and loved on him the entire day. Definitely a great experience!
Table for 38, please!Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Snow!
The thing that I have missed most about winter is the lack of snow. This year, that wasn't a problem! My brother had a ton of snow out at his place and we spent Christmas afternoon sledding. Even though Christmas day was about 18 degrees, we all bundled up and had some great family time and got plenty of exercise as we had to climb back up the hill multiple times!
Brennan's inaugural sled ride with Daddy (and getting a little help from Grace and Uncle Nathan)
My dad and me (right before I flipped out of the sled)
He wasn't too sure what to think of all this white stuff.
Brennan's inaugural sled ride with Daddy (and getting a little help from Grace and Uncle Nathan)
My dad and me (right before I flipped out of the sled)
He wasn't too sure what to think of all this white stuff.First Christmas
This has been a year of firsts for Brennan. One of the more recent ones is that we got to celebrate his first Christmas! We ventured up to Minnesota for a white Christmas--and I was in heaven with the cold, the snow, the joy of Christmas feeling like I used to know it. We celebrated Christmas day with my parents, brother, and niece at my brother's house. Gifts in the morning, sledding in the afternoon, the traditional Prechel lasagna for lunch. John even got to try lefse for the first time (and he liked it too!). This was also the first Christmas my immediate family had been together in six years. All in all, Christmas this year goes down as the best one for me in a long time.
The baseball was a big hit.
One of his favorite parts was the wrapping paper.
My dad read the Christmas story to Brennan and Grace.
The baseball was a big hit.
One of his favorite parts was the wrapping paper.
My dad read the Christmas story to Brennan and Grace.Monday, December 22, 2008
Tiny Steps
Tonight was a big night for Brennan! I was putting some clothes away in his dresser and he was "helping" Mama. I needed to close the drawer so I took his hands away from the edge of the drawer where he had been holding on. He stood pretty wobbly on his own, and then...he took a couple small steps toward me! He repeated this new trick a couple of times and I was thrilled each time! He was pretty excited, too. Hopefully, he'll repeat it again tomorrow for Daddy to see (Daddy was at work and missed out on all the fun).
Now, walking is something I think we all take for granted. It's just something that we do. But there's something pretty special when you see your child walk on his own for the first time. My heart soared and I rejoiced with Brennan at this new thing he can do. It's another sign that he's about to enter toddlerhood and leave babyhood behind.
We take off tomorrow for Minnesota where we'll celebrate Christmas and Brennan's first birthday. Check back next week for pictures!
Now, walking is something I think we all take for granted. It's just something that we do. But there's something pretty special when you see your child walk on his own for the first time. My heart soared and I rejoiced with Brennan at this new thing he can do. It's another sign that he's about to enter toddlerhood and leave babyhood behind.
We take off tomorrow for Minnesota where we'll celebrate Christmas and Brennan's first birthday. Check back next week for pictures!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Student of the Word
Our little man takes time out each day to read his Bible.
Our little man is cute. (We think so anyway).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)