Conversations

I've had some interesting conversations with Brennan lately. It's been amazing to me that, a year and a half later, he remembers and still talks about his baby sister. We went for months without a mention of her, and then suddenly I've had three conversations with him about her in the last couple of weeks.

Watching coverage of the royal baby, Brennan suddenly asks me where baby Ella is. I have to answer that she lives in heaven with Jesus. That satisfies him.

Walking around our neighborhood this past weekend, a family hosting a birthday party gave Brennan and Owen each a pink balloon. As we headed home, Brennan turned to me and said that we were going to have a baby sister soon and her name was going to be Ella. Again, all I can say is that she lives in heaven with Jesus. This time, he asks why. No words. No answers. Just a tiny life cut short for reasons that we'll never understand this side of heaven.

Yesterday, playing with bubbles, the boys like to pretend that the bubbles go to heaven. Can Ella see them? Maybe. Then Brennan asks me what Ella looks like. Again, no words, no answers. I tell him that I don't know, that we'll find out what she looks like when we get to heaven.

Now, all these conversations have also given me the chance to explain, as best as I can to a five-year-old, how a person gets to heaven--salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. His heart is open, he listens.

Heaven. That place I never really gave much thought to for so long--just chalked it to that "someday" place I'll go when I die. Now it has become the home of our only baby girl. How I ever long for that home these days. We'll get to see Ella for the very first time and finally Brennan will have the answer to his question of what she looks like. He'll probably even get the answer to his question of why she died, if it will even matter once we are all together and reunited.

Life has moved on without her here with us. But the questions still linger. And we always point to heaven, to the One who called her there after such a brief existence with us. Heaven. Can't wait to get there for that wonderful reunion!

What a Week

This has been an interesting week, filled with thoughts about heaven. My grandpa died on Monday morning. My pastor's wife died this morning. Dave Hammond is the children's pastor at Calvary Evangelical Free Church in Rochester, MN (my home church). He's also the pastor who married us. His wonderful wife, Peggy, battled cancer for eight years. She was an absolutely amazing woman. Her cancer was such a part of her testimony and instead of turning bitter and questioning God, she allowed God to use the cancer in her life to bless so many others. I learned so much from her. She's also the one that I had "the talk" with before John and I got married. We always tried to visit them every time we made it back up to Minnesota. It's strange to think that she's now gone, but I rejoice that she is now free from pain and entering in to her eternal reward in heaven.

Times like these remind that death is not natural. It was never meant to be like this. Death is a result of our sin. But Jesus came to conquer death. His death and subsequent resurrection defeated death. It doesn't have the final word.

Faced with the loss of two precious people so close together makes me wonder about heaven. What will it be like? What happens in the first few moments you are ushered into eternity? What will it be like to see Jesus face to face? What will it be like to meet fellow believers from all over the world and from all different times?

So, yes, there is a time of grieving over what has been lost in this life. But there is ultimate comfort in knowing that both my grandpa and Peggy are in heaven, seeing Jesus face to face.

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine