Tonight's Journal Entry

Saturday, June 21, 2008 11:27pm

I’ve been working on the photo albums tonight. I finished up 2007 and started on Brennan pictures. It’s been really fun to reminisce as I sort through photos of his first few months of life. He’s getting so big so fast. I need to remember to cherish these days because they won’t last long. Some days I just can’t wait for him to grow up … to crawl, walk, talk, go to the park, play outside, watch baseball games with him, see him off to school. But these are days, now, to enjoy and soak up. … I regret that I didn’t journal much when he was born. (Actually, I took copious notes during his first few days of life, but since then….) I haven’t taken the time to record the precious moments of the last six months. I haven’t taken the time to write about all the good stuff – how proud I am of him, how much I learn from him, how much he’s changed me. So often this journal is a record of pain, anger and regret. But I regret nothing about Brennan. He’s pure joy. The things he does don’t always make me happy (shrieking, pooping), but his existence brings me joy. He’s just so … adorable, alert, innocent, pure, alive, energetic, curious, inquisitive, happy, responsive, content … all the things I wish I was more of. Not surprisingly, all the stuff in the Bible about being like a child makes a lot more sense to me. How much richer my life would be if I looked at life like Brennan does and related to God like he relates to me. Life is so simple for Brennan. He sleeps, plays and eats. Everything he needs is provided for him. He has no worries, except when he perceives that we are stressed. Each day brings a new discovery (I have a hand. What can I do with it?) Sometimes he just cries out for no apparent reason. Maybe he’s just happy. Maybe he’s just trying out his voice. When was the last time I tried out my voice? When was the last time I contemplated my hands and wondered what I might do with them? When was the last time I thought of a day as a chance to make a new discovery? Fortunately, I can say I do this last one. If I haven’t learned something new, it’s probably been a wasted day. I can also boast that most nights when I lay my head on my pillow I know that I’ll be taken care of. Maybe 8 ½ years of living on support gave me that. God’s always provided, so I can sleep soundly. But what about relating to God in other ways? I trust Him to provide for me, but beyond that…? Brennan always smiles when he sees me and looks for me when he hears my voice. He has times when he wails because neither of us is near enough to him. He loves our presence and loves to be held. Right now two of his favorite things are standing on my lap (with me holding his hands to keep him steady) and having me throw him into the air. I think he loves to feel big and strong and to look me in the eye, face to face. I think he loves the feeling of weightlessness in the moment when his upward flight stops and gravity begins to pull him back down to my waiting arms. He never, ever wonders if I’ll catch him. It has never crossed his mind to doubt it. By contrast, I wonder about God. I wonder if He’ll catch me. So I’m not keen to be thrown into the air. I keep my feet on the ground. I feel weak and don’t look God in the eye. I stay safe. I act like an orphan, unsure of how to approach or relate to this God-Dad. The analogy feels like an ill fit. The imagery has faded for me. Perhaps, though, as I drink in the joy of being a Dad – Brennan’s dad – I’ll pick up some of his cues, and learn the lessons that he longs to teach me. Every day he says to me, without words: “I love you dad. Love God like I love you, and know that God loves you back, even more than you love me. ”