Remembering

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

~Psalm 139:13-16

I face today with mixed emotions. Today was to have been THE day, the day we welcomed baby #3. Alas, God had other plans and called her home after she had only been part of our lives for a brief few weeks. Ella, our sweet angel baby who waits for us in heaven.

We think of her daily and miss her terribly. Today would be so easy to get caught up in what might have been, to allow grief and longing to swallow us. But today is a perfect time to focus thoughts on what lies ahead for us as believers.

The promise of heaven is so incredible. And it's one I didn't give more than a passing thought prior to Ella's death. Now, it's a promise I think of daily. I love to think about the people that Ella gets to meet. It brings me comfort to think that the very first Person she saw when she opened her eyes for the first time was Jesus. The very Voice that called her into being was the same Voice that welcomed her home just a short time after her creation. The Arms that made her are the same Arms that are holding her now. As much as I long for her and wish that she would have lived, I am fully aware of my imperfections as a parent. And now, she gets to be raised by the perfect Parent, the One who wrote the book on parenting! She is living in perfection, untainted by sin and this fallen world. When I think about heaven, I can't possibly wish her back from there. Heaven is her home, and it's our ultimate home as believers; we are "sojourner[s] on the earth" (Psalm 119:19). Days like this make me a bit homesick.

I'm so very, very grateful for the gift of Ella. Her life and death left us utterly changed. Part of me will always wish that God had chosen a different ending to this story. Losing a child, walking this road of miscarriage, is not one I ever would have chosen. But yet in the midst of the overwhelming grief and heartache, God met us in incredible ways. I continue to take comfort in knowing that God knows what it's like to lose a child. He proved Himself faithful over and over again in the days and weeks following Ella's death. I believe He'll meet us today as we remember our baby girl and remember all that lies ahead for us.

We expect a bright tomorrow; all will be well
Faith can sing through days of sorrow, all is well
On our Father's love relying
Jesus every need supplying
Yes in living or in dying
All must be well

~"All Must Be Well"