Notes from Fatherhood

A random collection of facts and observations from my first two weeks as a Dad.

Gross facts and observations:
* I used to think that getting peed on during a diaper change and getting poo on my hands would be the grossest thing ever. Now I don't even blink an eye when it happens. It's simply a fact of life now. (I do wash my hands WAY more often than I used to).
* Naomi is a wonderful provider for our son's nutritional needs and does a great job burping him and lubing him up with lotion, but I'm a better diaperer, wiper and swaddler.
* A moment in the life: as I write this Naomi is changing him and he's cut muffins four times while she had his diaper off. Then she got the new diaper on and he subsequently soiled that one in about 10 seconds. So she changed him again and he let a fluffy another three times. Then he topped it all off with a belch. Brennan is such a guy.
* That's the worst when he drops a bomb in a diaper that's just been put on him and we have to change him again. It's happened at least four times. Kiss about a quarter goodbye every time.
* How can such loud and long farts come from such a little man? He cracked one off last week that lasted about six seconds. If you don't think that's bad, count off six seconds out loud (one one-thousand...). Yeah, it was like that.
* Praise the Lord for breastmilk, because it's really true that what comes out later doesn't smell that bad.

Fun facts and observations:
* Not surprisingly (if you know how we are with our cat), Brennan already has several nicknames. Naomi favors "Bubba", "Pumpkin" and "Sunshine Boy". I tend to call him "Little Man" and "Stinky Boy". So far only one of our friends (Kevin Hass) has busted out "B. J.", but I'm sure that will increase in popularity. I knew when we chose Brennan James that we'd get B. J. once in a while, and was perfectly happy with that. But I knew Naomi wouldn't care for it too much so I wisely never pointed it out.
* Brennan Downer sounds like an author to me. B. J. Downer sounds like a quarterback. Hmm... I'm torn.
* Esther, who we so often treated like a human, has never been a cat to us more. And now we understand why people rolled their eyes (subtly) when we talked about her like she was our first-born. We still love her and regard her as one of the family, but she's definitely a cat.
* She's also a cat who's definitely been feeling left out lately. She's moodier than usual and has taken to sleeping right up by our heads during the night so she can be close to us, since during the day the baby gets more of our lap-time. We are doing our best to give Esther affection too though.
* Brennan now weighs 8 lbs. 5 oz. -- a full 5.5 oz. above his birth weight, which is great. He sleeps like a champ at night but doesn't care much for napping during the day. We have our friends' and pediatrician's blessing to let him sleep as long as he wants during the night, so we'll see how soon he'll go the whole night without waking up. We were hoping that'd happen by week 8, but we might well get there sooner.
* Brennan does NOT like being naked or getting wet, so bath time is his least favorite thing in life.
* Breastfeeding is one of the great wonders and tragedies of this stage of life, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
* I never met a baby that I wasn't perfectly happy to give back to his/her parents until Brennan came along. (Apologies to all my friends with kids and my niece and nephews. You/your children are all very cute and special and I do love you/them a lot but it's just not the same and I'm sure you all know that but my non-parent friends are probably a bit scandalized by this remark)
* If I lived in Hollywood I would get Brennan an agent. I think he's that cute.
* Yes, I am that guy: My kid is the cutest ever!
* Naomi had never changed a diaper when Brennan came along. I changed his first diaper so she could see how it works. Now she's done it about a hundred times -- in the daylight, in the dark, with help, without help -- and can hardly remember what it felt like not to know how to do it.

Some more serious facts and observations:
* Nothing makes you feel more significant than holding your baby in your hands, knowing he's completely dependent on you.
* Nothing makes you feel more powerless than holding a crying baby in your hands who's been fed and is wearing a fresh diaper.
* We are so thankful for the three baby showers we had and all the generous people in our lives who've given us gift cards, diapers, clothes, toys and other things. I don't know how we'd have done it without all that help. We feel so blessed! It helps to know that we're not alone in our care for him. Lots of people love him too, and love us and stand with us in wanting to provide for his basic necessities and more. That's really comforting to know.
* On that theme, I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a provider for my family. I am keenly aware of how many people leave full-time ministry or never get into it because they can't see how they will provide for their families while on support. It's a major issue for many young men coming out of college. They want to go into missions but feel pressure from society, culture and family (even well-meaning parents who are Christians) to get established in a career that will allow them to provide for a family down the road. Raising support just seems incompatible with that goal. (I am thankful that my parents were always supportive of my plans to go into ministry and to raise support. They've been 100% behind me all the way.) I never felt that "incompatibility" in my early years in ministry, but then the stakes have gotten higher over the years. When I started out it was just me. I only had to provide for myself, and I didn't need much to be content. That changed a bit when Naomi and I got married. At that point I needed to look out for her needs too, and some of those were really different from my own. That's been a journey over the last four and a half years and I've had to learn and grow a lot in how to care for her, provide for her and, frequently, put her needs ahead of my own. Now, with Brennan, that's gone to a whole new level. With Naomi and me, there's an exchange. We care for each other and submit to one another's desires and preferences in the daily dance of compromise. With Brennan, it's totally one-way. We give to him and that's how it goes. All that he has comes from us (more or less). And we delight to do it! It's not a burden. It's a joy. We want to give to him. We want him to have everything we had -- and more. We want a life for him that's as good or better than our own. I think every good parent must feel that way. So I find myself asking if I can provide that for him. Can I provide for my son the way my parents provided for me? This is, of course, not only a material question but a spiritual and emotional one. I feel adequate in the latter two areas, but unprepared in the former. If I'm honest with myself, the answer to the original question is "no" -- at this point I can't provide for Brennan the way my parents provided for me. I feel bad about that. So what do I do? Do I need to ask God to change my expectations for parenthood? Do I need to take a hard look at my material desires? Do I need a refresher in the difference between needs and wants? Because indeed the Lord has always met my need in the last eight and a half years. Will He not meet Brennan's needs and Naomi's needs? My faith is being tested. Having a child at the same time as Naomi taking maternity leave and preparing to double our support to go to England is an intersection of events that have me questioning my role as provider for my family. Am I making wise choices? Shouldn't I be looking for a job that will pay me more than I make through support raising? If I am obedient to God's call on my life, can I trust Him to take over the role of provider for my family? Is that how it works anyway!?! This is the same journey I've been on since going on full support in August of 1999, but it's a new journey altogether because of the two people who accompany me now. I need a new kind of faith to take me further down the road that I'm committed to traveling with Naomi and Brennan.