I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life is changing this year. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about, reading about and talking about impending fatherhood, often at the expense of other topics that I care about -- topics which use to consume a lot of my thinking, reading, talking ... and writing. I'm painfully aware, for example, that I've had just one post on this blog not related to the baby in the last four months (and that streak will continue since this post is related to the baby!)
Is my life about anything more than just, well, someone else's life? Should it be, or is it a noble thing to be that devoted to another human being? I'm wrestling with that right now.
Frankly, this whole thing started with me finally making the decision to be less selfish. Until mid-February I didn't want to give up my social life and all the things I enjoy doing with friends. I turned a corner that month and realized I was moving into a new stage of life and needed to accept that and trust that it would bring good things with it too. I'm the last of my close friends to have kids -- most of them have two in fact -- but most of the people I hang out with here in Orlando are single. But in February I stopped trying to live like them and be a part of their world. My world needed to change ... it was time.
But now, eight months later and two months shy of fatherhood, I'm a little nervous. What's my life going to look like when Baby D comes? Will my whole existence revolve around meeting his needs? If it does, will I be content in that, or will I rebel against it (as so many people do -- most publicly, the ones in Hollywood)?
At times I really worry that I'm going to resent the baby because of what his dependency will mean for me. Will I become someone who's whole life is about his kid(s)? But there are other times when I can't wait to be changed by his coming into my life. Perhaps the baby will, like nothing else ever has, compel me to be less selfish, get me out of myself, bring out a gentle, nurturing side in me and help me to understand God's love for His Son and His heartbreak on the day of Christ's crucifixion. This is my hope, and what I ought to be praying for, because I fear there's a battle waging inside of me for my "fatherhood soul".
My roaring 20s (which encapsulates my post-college single days and most of my married-without-children days) were rich times of trial and error, adventure, development and becoming comfortable in my own skin. By the time I "graduated" into my 30s I felt pretty comfortable as a 20-something. Now 31 and on the cusp of a whole new stage of life, I wonder if I have what it takes to navigate these waters.
I can take comfort in looking back though: there has always been uncertainty and doubt at the beginning of every stage. And over time God has always proven faithful to help me get through it and even to thrive in it. May it be so again.
1 comment:
John! yay for this post! i very much liked the "introspective" post here. I haven't had one like this in a while either, but I like blogging that makes me think and examine myself.
So...I have lots of comments.
First: a-ha! I have definitely noticed changes in you and could have traced them back to mid-feb too, but had other thoughts for reasons why. I'm encouraged to see your growth, though, and how God has been stretching you! as a Christian, that encourages my heart.
Second: I understand your wonder about how, and to what extent, your life will be defined by Baby D. as i read, my first thought came from my womanly perspective - don't let Baby D define your marriage. Have you ever noticed men who introduce their families like "I have a wife and three wonderful kids"? I'd rather hear "I have a lovely wife and we have three kids" or something. As I woman, my two cents comment is make sure Naomi still takes precedence as your love, not just as a mom.
And finally - i'm not just saying this to be nice - i think you'll make a great dad. I know you through your job, of course, where I see your coaching of individuals, taking interest in their lives, encouraging them and helping them grow through the process of discerning the Lord's will for their lives. That's nurturing. From my rather limited knowledge, really, I do think you and Naomi will be great parents and I have no doubt you'll continue to be stretched, but amazed at God's graciousness to you in parenting.
Sorry this comment is so long! :)
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