Summertime!

I love lazy summer days...fewer places to be, more time spent just enjoying the days. Lots of playing at the park and riding bikes on the trails and around our neighborhood. Lots of backyard playing and fun in the water table. Trips to the Stoney Point Fountains to cool off. Lots of creating with the train set and with homemade play dough. What a great time of year!

 

 

Summer Tradition

Having gone three summers in a row now, it's become tradition to take the boys blueberry picking. We braved the 90+ degree heat to get our berry treat and had a great time. Brennan loved helping pick the berries. Owen picked a few, but did a pretty good job just simply staying relatively close by, which is a successful outing where he's concerned! Now it's time for all the fun blueberry treats!

 

 

 

 

Everyday Life

About a week and a half ago, a friend from college passed away from cancer. You can read more about his story at his CaringBridge site. Our paths only crossed for a couple of years, but it was long enough to leave a definite impression on me. He was a musician and speaker by trade, and his music expressed a great depth that I truly appreciate. It's poignant to listen to his songs now and realize that he's singing in heaven now, enjoying the wonders and glories that we can only dream of here.

One of my favorite songs by him is called "Everyday Life", a prayer for the presence of God in our daily lives. It's easy to press in to God during the really big highs or lows, but it becomes more difficult during the daily routine challenges of life. As a stay-at-home mom, I find there can be a lot of mundane things in my day-to-day. This song expresses beautifully just how much I need Jesus in the midst of my daily mundane.

"I wish that I could be as set as stone.

Unmoved by all the things that tear my soul.

Held together by a word of hope.

In everyday life.

I wish that I could only hear the voice,

Whispering to me love's only choice,

To bring salvation to this lonely boy,

In every day life.

Everyday life is where I need you most.

Everyday life is what tears my soul.

Everyday life-God I need you close to me.

Breathing only just to stay alive.

Dragging my soul out into the light.

Well aware the biggest fear I fight 

Is everyday life.

All the joy I've known is cast aside,

By all the foolish things that fill my life.

Still I wonder will I survive

This everyday life.

Everyday life.

Everyday life is where I need you most.

Everyday life is what tears my soul.

Everyday life-God I need you close to me."

Father's Day 2012

What a busy day this has been for our family! But what wonderful time we've gotten to spend with family and friends. We started out our day pretty early, heading to Charlottesville where John was scheduled to preach at a friend's church (our former pastor from Orlando is now the senior pastor there). He did a fabulous job preaching on fatherhood!

Since we were in Charlottesville, we opted to head to Carter Mountain on our way back home. We've only ever been there in the fall in order to pick apples, but this time we trekked up the mountain to pick peaches. Our neighbors went last year and brought some back for us, and they were the most amazing peaches. So...11 pounds of peaches later, we are already looking forward to some peach cobbler and peach pie and simply eating peaches.

 

 

 

 

 

Day trip

There are so many reasons to love living in Richmond. One of them is that we are close enough to Washington, D.C., to take some fun day trips. With John's parents visiting this week, we headed to DC for the day yesterday and explored a little of our nation's capitol. We took in the views from the Old Post Office tower and explored the exhibits at the American History Museum and the Natural History Museum. We also learned a valuable lesson on this trip:  try not to plan a trip to DC shortly before school lets out because every middle/high school class in the surrounding area will also be visiting. We will keep that in mind for our next visit and plan accordingly!

 

 

An Early Morning Dialogue

4:10am. I have already been laying awake for a while, so I'm the first out of bed when I hear Brennan start making crying noises (fake crying when he wants attention). I head in to his room to figure out what's going on.

Me:  "What's up, bud?"
Brennan:  "There's something in here."
Me:  "What? What's in here?"
Brennan:  "There's something in here."
Me:  "What's in here?"
Brennan points to his floor lamp, which has been in his room from the very beginning:  "There's a lamp in here."
Me:  "What?!?! Go back to sleep."

Some kids dream up monsters in the closet. Brennan takes issue with a floor lamp. Things that make you go "hmmm".

The Real Deal

Owen is fascinated by the computer. So much so that we got him a toy laptop for Christmas. But...he prefers the real deal. His latest thing is now to climb in the chair, move the mouse around, and type on the keyboard. Sigh. It's hard to get irritated with him when he's this cute!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day! I am definitely enjoying all that this day has brought so far (breakfast in bed!) and all that is still to come (grilling dinner and Sweet Frog frozen yogurt--yum!). Definitely treasuring the three precious gifts God has blessed me with:  Brennan and Owen here on earth, sweet baby Ella waiting in heaven but always in my heart. What a gift to be a mama to these!

 

 Wearing our matching shirts to support our team--thanks Grandma and Grandpa P. for the fun gift!

Alternative Uses

Sometimes, when I place a huge order for diapers from Amazon, they arrive in a gigantic box. The box then lends itself to all manner of creativity. For Owen, it became a place to chill out and look at new library books. For Brennan, it became an elevator and a house. For both of them, it was a wonderful object to push all around the house. Hmmm...maybe we could get rid of all their toys and just have a selection of boxes for them to play with!

Golden Afternoon

Spring in Virginia doesn't really get any better than what we've been having lately:  mid- to upper-70s, clear blue sky, gentle breezes. Perfect days for playing outside! Little boys get big spaces to get some big energy out. This mama gets to delight in all the laughter and squeals that ensue from all the activity.

 

 

Season Finale

When we committed to our church, Third at Pump Road, last October, one of the big draws for us was our Missional Fellowship. This small group (which was actually quite large!) was a tremendous blessing to us. We had two semesters worth of great curriculum and loved, loved, loved the fellowship that came with it. This was a group that we did life with. We are so very grateful for our Missional Fellowship! We had a cook-out yesterday to wrap up our time together before taking the summer off. With the size of our group what it is, we are going to be splitting into two separate groups next fall. We had one last hurrah with the entire group (minus two people) before the group becomes two. What a blessing this group has been to us over these last months!

Berries

It's that time of year again. Strawberry season! We love our annual tradition of picking strawberries, something we've been doing since Brennan was a year old. It's been great fun to establish some fun traditions as a family, and this is definitely one of our favorites!

 

Brennan loved helping pick, but Owen preferred to march up and down the rows.

Because sometimes it's just plain fun...

 ...to wear a strainer on your head! These photos are from a couple weeks ago, but to cute to resist posting any longer. Owen even tries at every chance to get the strainer out of the kitchen cupboard and walks around with it saying "hat, hat".

  

 

Owen turns 2!

Today, we celebrate the day Owen burst on to the scene. Can't believe he's already two years old! What a wonderful gift we've been given in this second son. He's extremely curious and mischievous. He loves to snuggle and read books before sleeping. All boy, he loves all things with wheels, digging in the dirt, and making a lot of noise. He loves to laugh and give hugs. And he still challenges our childproofing abilities on a daily basis! We can't imagine a world without Owen and are so grateful for his addition in our family.

We capped the day with a pizza party with some dear friends. It was a packed house, but a fabulous gathering for our little extrovert!

Praying Scriptures

I've been so blessed and thankful to be part of a marriage and motherhood small group ever since we joined our church back in October. We've slowly been working our way through the book "Praying the Scriptures for Your Children" by Jodie Berndt. What a wonderful tool to use as we pray for our kids! She includes many Scripture verses with every chapter to help us zero on specific passages to pray for every aspect of our kids' lives.

We just finished the book at our study yesterday, so it was fresh in my mind when I discovered a fabulous idea thanks to Pinterest. As soon as I saw it, I knew I needed to make it happen. And that's what I did on this rainy morning. I chose two verses for each boy that I wanted to focus specifically on praying for them over the remainder of 2012. Then, I traced their hands and wrote their special verses on them and laminated them with contact paper. For both Brennan and Owen, I chose a verse about their salvation. Then, for Brennan, I also chose a verse about kindness and compassion. For Owen, I also chose a verse about obedience. I tried to choose one that were applicable to our stage of life right now or areas that have been struggles in the past. There were so many great ones from that book to choose from that it was really hard to narrow it down to just two!

I hope this will become a yearly activity for our family, and even extend to finding a key verse for John and I to pray throughout the year. What a blessing to use the treasure trove of Scripture to pray for our kids (and ourselves)!

Easter Weekend

Easter weekend was a full time for us! We had an extra full day with John since he had Good Friday off, which gave us tons of family time. We spent some time at the park, headed down to the James River one morning, had a great church time on Easter morning, and culminated our weekend with friends coming over for some fellowship and game time. 

We started a new Easter dessert tradition as well:  Empty Tomb Rolls. Brennan was so excited to get to help make them and it was a great opportunity to continue talking with him and teaching him about the meaning of Easter.

Both John and I felt the significance of Good Friday and Easter even more poignantly this year than in years past. Our recent loss has pushed heaven to the forefront of our minds. Instead of it just being a nice place we'll go when we die, there's simply a deep longing for a heaven. For me, ever since becoming a Christian, Good Friday and Easter have been significant. It's an amazing thought to think that not only would Jesus Christ take on human flesh, but that He would take on the sins of the world, my sins, so that I could live forever in heaven with Him. But this year, it has taken on a whole new depth. Because of Christ's death and resurrection, death was defeated and the way was paved for believers to enter heaven and gain eternal life. Because of His victory over death, my sweet little baby Ella is in heaven with Him (celebrating Easter with Jesus Himself!). Because of Jesus, the promise of heaven will one day be fulfilled in my life and I'll get to meet my precious little one for the first time. 

The promise of heaven is such an amazing one, one that has become far more real to our family in recent weeks.  So this Easter, we remembered and celebrated with greater depth Christ's death and resurrection, which secured eternal life with Him for us. Hallelujah! He is RISEN!

"And when I think, That God, His Son not sparing;

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;

That on the Cross, My burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died To take away my sin.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art! How great Thou art!"

Wheels

Brennan has recently been showing an interest in learning how to ride a bike. We got him a balance bike to help him learn and we took it out for a little spin at the park this weekend. The weather was perfect and the trails were a great first learning environment for him.

 

He was thrilled to get to try out his bike and pretty focused on getting the feel for it.

 

 

Owen loves to walk the trails at the park (he prefers it to actually playing on the playground!) and is always searching for the perfect stick to carry with him.

Praying for Our Kids

I am part of a women's Bible study that has been going through the book "Praying the Scriptures for Our Children" by Jodie Berndt. It has been a wonderful encouragement to gather with other women who have small children at home, to learn from one another, share life lessons, and learn so much great stuff from our leader who have definitely "been there, done that" when it comes to children! The book has been fabulous to go through and focus on praying specific scriptures for various aspects of my boys' lives. I get reminded every day just how much I need to be praying for them!

Another great tool was first given to me by another woman in my Bible study. It focuses on 31 ways to pray for your children (credit to Bob Hostetler), brief one sentence prayers to help guide your prayer time as well (and what great things to pray for ourselves as parents as well!). For those who are interested, here is the list below. Enjoy!

1.  Salvation: "Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory" (Isaiah 45:8, 2 Timothy 2:10).

2.  Growth in grace: "I pray that they may 'grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ'" (2 Peter 3:18).

3.  Love:  "Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to 'live a life of love,' through the Spirit who dwells in them" (Ephesians 5:2, Galatians 5:22).

4.  Honesty and integrity:   " May integrity and honesty be their virtue and their protection" (Psalm 25:21, NLT).

5.  Self-control: " Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be 'alert and self-controlled' in all they do" (1 Thessalonians 5:6)

6.  A love for God's word: " May my children grow to find your Word 'more precious than gold, than much pure gold; [and] sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb'" (Psalm 19:10).

7.  Justice: " God, help my children to love justice as you do and to 'act justly' in all they do" (Psalm 11:7, Micah 6:8).

8.  Mercy: " May my children always 'be merciful, as [their] Father is merciful'" (Luke 6:36).

9.  Respect (for self, others, authority): " Father, grant that my children may 'show proper respect to everyone,' as your Word commands" (1 Peter 2:17a).

10.  Strong, Biblical self-esteem: " Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are 'God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus'" (Ephesians 2:10).

11.  Faithfulness: "' Let love and faithfulness never leave [my children],' but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts" (Proverbs 3:3).

12.  Courage: "May my children always 'Be strong and courageous' in their character and in their actions" (Deuteronomy 31:6).

13.  Purity: "'Create in [them] a pure heart, O God,' and let their purity of heart be shown in their actions" (Psalm 51:10).

14.  Kindness: "Lord, may my children 'always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else'" (1 Thessalonians 5:15).

15.  Generosity: "Grant that my children may 'be generous and willing to share [and so] lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age'" (1 Timothy 6:18-19).

16.  Peace:  "Father, let my children 'make every effort to do what leads to peace'" (Romans 14:19).

17.  Joy: " May my children be filled 'with the joy given by the Holy Spirit'" (1 Thessalonians 1:6).

18.  Perseverance: " Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to 'run with perseverance the race marked out for [them]'" (Hebrews 12:1).

19.  Humility: " God, please cultivate in my children the ability to 'show true humility toward all'" (Titus 3:2).

20.  Compassion: " Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion" (Colossians 3:12).

21.  Responsibility: " Grant that my children may learn responsibility, 'for each one should carry his own load'" (Galatians 6:5).

22.  Contentment: " Father, teach my children 'the secret of being content in any and every situation. . . . through him who gives [them] strength'" (Philippians 4:12-13).

23.  Faith: " I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children's hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them" (Luke 17:5-6, Hebrews 11:1-40).

24.  A servant heart: " God, please help my children develop servant hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, 'as to the Lord, and not to men'" (Ephesians 6:7, KJV).

25.  Hope: " May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13).

26.  The willingness and ability to work hard: " Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work hard at everything they do, 'as working for the Lord, not for men'" (Colossians 3:23).

27.  A passion for God: " Lord, please instill in my children a soul that "followeth hard after thee," a heart that clings passionately to you (Psalm 63:8, KJV).

28.  Self-discipline: " Father, I pray that my children may develop self-discipline, that they may acquire 'a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair'" (Proverbs 1:3).

29.  Prayerfulness: " Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to 'pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests" (Ephesians 6:18).

30.  Gratitude: " Help my children to live lives that are always 'overflowing with thankfulness,' 'always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ'" (Colossians 2:7, Ephesians 5:20).

31.  A heart for missions: " Lord, please help my children to develop a heart for missions, a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all peoples" (Psalm 96:3).

Crash

My boys love to jump...especially on the couch. We try to discourage that, but it's hard. Today, in lieu of actually jumping on the couch, I created a crash pile for them to jump off the couch in to. Brennan loved it! Ah, the joy of being four years old...

Weekend Outing

We ventured out this weekend for a little family fun and socializing. We headed to Norfolk to visit the Virginia Zoo and connect with a friend of John's, Bart Irwin, and his family. Bart discipled John for two years during college and had a definite impact on his spiritual formation. We had a great time hanging out with them and experiencing the zoo. Brennan loved the lions and riding on the zoo train. Owen just loved trying to run through the zoo at top speed; therefore, he spent much of his zoo trip strapped in his stroller!

On a side note, we realized that this past Saturday marked four years in Virginia! We are definitely thankful to be living in such a great state!

 

 

 

 Brennan was pretty tired by the end of the trip!

Three Weeks On

We continue to grieve and move on, and grieve some more, and process all that's happened. Naomi and I read a book together called "What Was Lost" that was helpful, mostly in confirming we were on the right track. Last night we began a devotional book aimed at parents who've gone through this, and we expect this will be helpful too.

More about us in a minute...

It's been strange watching Brennan handle all this. Neither of us feels especially well equipped to help him understand this, in part because we don't really know how much he can understand at 4 years old. There have been little moments though that tell us that he has been affected by it. Last week he was playing with an older boy who asked him if he had a sister, and he said that no, she had died. Earlier this week he picked dandelions in the yard and gave them to Naomi, saying that they were for the baby (to replace the flowers we'd received from friends that had withered and been discarded). For the better part of a week he's been carrying around "baby monkey", swaddled in one of his blankets. He has a big stuffed monkey that has always been his favorite. Baby monkey looks just like it but is about 1/5 the size. He's never paid it much mind before, but now baby monkey is hardly ever out of his hands. These brief glimpses into his heart have been very sweet and heartbreaking for us.

We named our baby Ella, in large part because it contains the Hebrew word for God ("El") and she is our daughter with God. Her death has become a line of demarcation in our lives. I think of things in terms of B.E. (before Ella) and A.E. (after Ella).

Before Ella I was vaguely aware of the lack of suffering either Naomi or I had faced. We've had hard times and trials and lost some friends and relatives, but I never felt it was anything really life altering. Again, the key word here is "vague". I couldn't put my finger on what was missing, but I felt something was.

Now I know what it was. We've never hurt like this before, and in that hurt we've discovered a lot about ourselves, our God and the community around us.

Naomi and I have discovered a new level of intimacy. We've shared this whole experience. That's not to say we've experienced it the same way, but we've gone through it together and it's bonded us like nothing else.

It's also significant that we share a faith and that faith has led us to a God who is familiar with our suffering. He's a God who has also lost a child. He is a God who has promised to defeat death and put an end to tears. He did not cause this to happen, as some would say. It's just part of living in a fallen, broken world. Death was never the plan. Death came in through Adam and it goes out through Christ, when the time comes it will be done away with forever. All things will be made right. And on that day we will dance with Ella and hold her -- all that was lost will be found again.

This makes me long for heaven, and it has had that effect on Naomi too. I have to admit that, before Ella, heaven didn't hold an appropriate appeal for me. It sounded nice, but so did here. I liked earth. I liked life. I was in no hurry to move on. Heaven can wait. It can still wait, but it's different now. I will be patient, but I am eager and expectant. A portion of my heart was removed when Ella died, and she took it with her to eternity. I won't be whole again until I'm with her and our Lord.

This all feels right and good ... as it should be. We were meant for more than this world can offer. A part of our heart should be elsewhere, because this is not our home. It's so easy to love the world and to have the illusion of satisfaction in it. To fall out of love with the world is good and right and necessary, but not easy. When Ella died our love affair with the world died with her. I hope that it never comes back to life. In this place of longing for eternity, I want to stay until it is time for me to join her there.

How can others have this same feeling without the accompanying loss? Is that even possible?

The promises in Scripture about the new order of things and how the last enemy to be defeated is death came alive for me in the last three weeks. Similarly, many of the images of the church have too. Our community has been amazing. First and foremost are all the mothers who have suffered this kind of loss before us. So many have come forward to grieve with us and offer their compassion. And that's what it is -- compassion. They have suffered with us. So many, and most of them we had no idea about. Even if we knew they'd gone through one or more miscarriages, we just didn't think it was that big a deal. I guess nobody does until they go through it. It's like some kind of silent club. Only those who are members understand and they don't really talk about it with non-members.

One of my goals is to change that a little -- to bring some of this into the light and talk about it. I also hope and pray that God will allow us to be a comfort to those who will go through this, just as we've been comforted by so many who've gone before us. It's happened once already and it was such a sweet thing.

Our wider church community has also been wonderful. Strangers have brought us meals. We've been prayed for, encouraged, listened to. They've been silent when they needed to be silent and always had appropriate things to say when they spoke. They've been the love of Christ incarnate to us -- just as the Church should be. I am so grateful for this community, and our extended community of friends and family members across the U.S. and the world. We have been held up by many hands.

We have seen the church at work. We have seen the Word come alive. We have set our sights on eternity. We are more of what we are meant to be because of what we have lost.

Our hearts are broken, and yet full. We are full of sorrow, but also hope and, sometimes even joy. For we know what lies ahead and who: Ella, but even more importantly, the Maker of it all; the One who heals and restores.

To Him be the glory, come what may.

In Loving Memory

This is not the post I had planned on writing earlier this week. This is not the post sharing the joy we were experiencing over our upcoming arrival, D3. Instead, this post is a bit of our story through the grief and heartache over losing this precious one way too soon.

D3 was our little "surprise blessing", unplanned by us but planned by God. Finding out we were pregnant with a third was something of a shock, but once the initial feelings wore off, joy and excitement began to set in as we began to think, plan, and dream of what it would be like to add a new one to the mix. We told the boys who seemed to be pretty excited. Owen loved to lift up my shirt so he could look at my stomach and wave to the baby. Brennan seemed to think he could see the baby through my belly button and was disappointed when he couldn't!

Hormones started to kick in. Hunger and overwhelming tiredness were my constant companions. I never experienced morning sickness, which I thought was slightly weird, but figured it wasn't too uncommon. Both John and I had some niggling little feelings in the backs of our minds that we didn't want to talk about, so we didn't. Feelings like what if something happens? what if we miscarry? what if something happens or is horribly wrong? We didn't want to dwell on something that would likely steal away our joy, so we stuffed those feelings. We slowly started sharing our news with family and some friends. After some insurance delays, I was finally able to get in to the doctor the day before I turned 10 weeks pregnant. There were definitely nerves going in to the appointment (what if it was TWINS????). Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared us for what actually happened on February 29.

The ultrasound screen showed our baby, as clearly formed as possible for that early in the pregnancy. It's what it didn't show that rocked our world--no heartbeat. Excitement turned to unimaginable heartache in the span of seconds. We learned D3 died at 7 weeks, 4 days--February 12. Everything that happened next was a blur. We came home and tried to start picking up the pieces, knowing that our lives were changed forever by a baby that we had for too short a time, that we will not get to meet or hold this side of heaven. It rained most of that day. John wondered if it was like God crying with us. Tears flowed easily and constantly that day as we began to prepare for the next day.

Yesterday, I had a D&C to remove the baby's body and placenta. The medical staff prefer to use terms like "removing the fetal tissue" or "removing the remnants of conception" to try to depersonalize it and make it easier for us (or them). Bull. The ultrasound clearly showed a baby. They were removing our baby. It was a day I dreaded with everything in me. Even though we knew that D3 was in heaven, leaving behind an empty shell, it was still hard. It symbolized such finality. I went into the hospital with a baby in my womb and we left a few hours later with an empty womb, empty arms and a hole in our hearts.

The hardest part about it all (and what I've heard from so many others who have gone through the same experience) is that you are left with nothing tangible. Just a memory of a little one gone far too soon.

Because it was so early in our pregnancy, we have no way of knowing if the baby was a boy or a girl. We have come to a mutual decision that this little one was a girl. Brennan kept calling her "his sister" and John felt strongly that she was a girl. It seemed right to assign girlhood to this little one. We never could agree on a girl's name, so she is unnamed (although D3 is still what we call her). I guess whoever gets to heaven first will get to name her!

John and I have experienced a lot of ups and downs over the last nine years of marriage. But nothing compares to the ache of this. Prayers have been flowing as freely as the tears. We take such comfort in knowing that D3 is in heaven. Shortly after hearing the news, we remembered the book "Heaven is For Real" by Todd Burpo (about his son who went to heaven during an emergency appendectomy surgery and his experiences there). While Colton was in heaven, he met his sister, a little girl that was miscarried when he was too young to understand. That chapter has been a real comfort to us.

We have also been finding healing and comfort in music. A few songs in particular have been especially helpful. "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman:  we can say with our heads, but want to say with our hearts that "you give and take away, but my heart will CHOOSE to say blessed be your name". "Homesick" by Mercy Me:  "But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry is how long I must wait to be with you". "I Will Lift My Eyes" by Bebo Norman:  "I will lift my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb. I will lift my eyes to the calmer of the oceans raging wild. I will lift my eyes to the healer of the hurt I hold inside". "Untitled" by Plankeye:  a song written specifically about one of the band member's own experience with miscarriage.

Certainly Scripture has been a life line as well. Too many passages to count have been read repeatedly. For me, my go-to passage has been Psalm 121.

This path of grief, the emotional and physical pain and discomfort, is not one either of us would have chosen. We don't yet know how to navigate this journey. We have to guard against the lies of Satan:  that there is something that I could have done differently, that God is not good because He took our baby. God is not the author of death. He never intended for death to enter this world, to steal away unborn children. Rather, God is the author of LIFE. We believe that God grieves with us in our pain, even as He holds and cares for our precious little girl. She is safe in His arms, and because of Christ's death and resurrection, death has been defeated. We will see her in heaven. And what a day that will be! Getting to see Jesus and the baby we never knew. Until then, we will get through the grief. We trust that Christ will carry us down this path, one day at a time. We will never forget this precious little one. We love you, little girl, and we will see you and hold you one day. Until then...

Library Day

The boys love library day. Book love definitely takes over when we come home and dump out all our new book selections for some eager perusal. As a book loving mama, it warms my heart to see my boys get so excited for new books. And I'm so, so grateful for a fabulous public library near our house where we can get so many great selections!

Snow!

With around four inches of snow on the ground thanks to Sunday's snowstorm, it was the perfect opportunity to get outside. Owen had never experienced playing in the snow before and was a bit apprehensive. It is pretty difficult for a little guy to navigate ice-crusted snow! Brennan had no such apprehension (having enjoyed snow on several other occasions) and loved getting outside. His favorite activity was shoveling!

 

 

  

 

Stained Glass Hearts

We did a Valentine's Day craft yesterday afternoon:  stained glass hearts (made out of poster board, contact paper, and tissue paper). The boys loved it and Brennan was pretty proud to show off both hearts. Owen actually put a few pieces on his, but the attention span of a 21-month-old is pretty minimal so he quickly abandoned his project and went off to find other things to do (Mama helped finish it). Overall, it was a great project to help get them in the spirit of Valentine's Day.

 

What I've Been Waiting For

All winter, I've been waiting for just a little bit of snow. It just doesn't quite feel like winter unless there's some snow. Today delivered us some winter! I have loved watching the big fat snowflakes come down. It won't last, but that's okay. It made my heart happy to get this brief taste of winter.

Peek-a-boo

The Great Debate

At almost 21 months, Owen still doesn't talk very much. His word of choice is "dada". He occasionally says "mama", but not nearly as often! We try to get him to say "mama" more, but the regular result is what you see on the video...

Shepherd Boy

Owen has developed an attachment to his blanket. He loves his blanket and is often seen dragging it around the house. One of his favorite ways to play with it is to drape it over his head. We call it his "Shepherd Boy" look and he laughs and laughs when he's Shepherd Boy!

Lazy Days

It's always nice to have lazy days at home. Lego creativity can abound when given the right circumstances!

Bagels

Sometimes, I just feel the need to bake. My family tends to be the primary recipients of my various baking endeavors. I have a repertoire of recipes that I come back to again and again, but thanks to Pinterest, I've been finding loads of inspiration to include new recipes. Yesterday, inspiration struck and cinnamon bagels were the result. They turned out surprising well and they have been a big hit!

Play Dough

Brennan has been taking more interest in doing arts and crafts lately. Yesterday, his project of choice was playing with play dough. After realizing that our purchased play dough stash was pretty well dried out, we gave up on it with the promise of making play dough at home the following day. Now, I've never made play dough before, so I was a little apprehensive about how it would turn out compared to what you can buy in the stores. But...I was pleasantly surprised. Brennan loved watching it take form and he had a great time playing with the finished product. And the recipe I used was so, so easy. This will definitely be a repeat project in this household!

Testing, Part 2

This past Monday, Brennan and I headed down to Winston-Salem, NC, to complete the motility studies that will hopefully help us figure out what is going on in his intestines. The first test was originally scheduled to be completed on Tuesday, but we discovered that either his first clean out was not fully effective or he produced enough stool over the course of three days on a liquid diet to make it impossible to do the test that day.

Of course, there was initial disappointment, coupled with the thought of "now what????". We had traveled four hours and jumped through every hoop provided by the insurance company only to think that it may not be possible at this time. But...God intervened. A quick call to the insurance company got them to cover another in-patient clean out, and we were able to do the testing over the course of the next couple of days. It meant an extra day in NC, but that sure beat having to start the whole process over again!

Brennan did fantastic in the hospital and was thrilled when he was given the chance to eat again. His first food request:  macaroni (or in Brennan-speak, "macanoni"). We hope to find out the test results in the next couple of weeks and we'll be able to start physical therapy soon (hopefully!). We are definitely hoping that this portion of testing will bring us ever closer to a real, true solution to this ongoing difficulty. Thank you all so much for your prayers during this time for us!

Testing, Part 1

Thursday ushered in part one of Brennan's big colon testing to help us get to the bottom of his chronic constipation issues. He was admitted to the hospital here in Richmond for a complete colon clean-out. He was given a nasal infusion of GoLytely to flush him out and an IV drip for fluids and some anti-nausea medication. All things considered, he did fabulous with getting poked and prodded and having tubes in various parts of his body. He loved getting the chance to watch lots and lots of movies!

A quick X-ray this morning showed that he was fully cleaned out, so we began making preparations for him to be discharged from the hospital. I will be taking him to Winston-Salem, NC, on Monday afternoon for some intense colon testing starting on Tuesday. He'll be on a clear liquid diet for the next couple of days to ensure that he'll remain cleaned out. We are hoping that all of this will finally get us some much needed answers!